


Magik meltdown

by dhapin



Category: New Mutants, X-Men (Comicverse)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-26
Updated: 2015-07-26
Packaged: 2018-04-11 05:56:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4424006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dhapin/pseuds/dhapin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In New Mutants issue #39 the kids are now at the Massachusetts Academy due to their Beyonder trauma.  The intent is that Emma Frost (the Hellfire Club's White Queen) would be able to telepathically help them recover.  Sometimes I wish the readers of the Beyonder fiasco could also have their memories fixed, God that was bad.  </p><p>Anyway Emma had good success with the team; except for Illyana as we see slipping more and more to her darker side.  But, in Issue #40 we see Illyana much more recovered.  So what happened between issue 39 and Issue 40?  This is my take.  This is a very dark story folks, Illyana has a lot of baggage and I explore most of it in this story (yikes the girl has issues).  Oh, a prize for the person who guesses what Illyana's favorite comic is.</p><p>HC = Hellfire Club.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

**Prolog: First entry from the secret diary of Illyana**

 

Page 1:

 

Well, you ignored the warning on the title. Each page carries a curse and now you’re a bed wetter for oh a week if you stop reading now. For every additional word you read you get to wet the bed for another day. I’m being nice in telling you this. Each page carries a worse curse, hmm why are you still reading? Oh well, hope you enjoy wet sheets and a soggy smelly mattress.

 

Remember, each page carries another curse; but I won’t be writing it down so keep that in mind. Let’s just say that the loss control of various body functions will get worse; both in your sleep and during your waking moments as well. You really don’t want to know what page 7 does, **yuck.**

 

Page 2 though 5:

 

Kitty’s always bugging me to keep a diary, not sure what the big deal is. Then I figured out a reason for me. I need to keep a record of me, of my thoughts, of how I view the world and make decisions. To see if I change.

 

I continue to have trouble sometimes saying the right things and acting normal. No one truly gets why though. It’s not that I decide to do bad thing or try to be nasty (although the truth is I can be **really** nastily when I want). No, the evil is not some external temptation to bad behavior, but is instead part of my very core, my soul, it's not just within me, it's me. This means my instinctual behaviors can, and often are wrong. I need baselines, measurements, rulers as it were, to help me stay within the lines. Kitty and Peter have been those measurements, and now my friends in the New Mutants are also a great help.

 

My fear is that since I’ve started using magic again that the lines are getting wider apart. How I view the world and how I make decisions may be changing. I fear I’m growing darker. Think of a destination, you see several paths ahead. Some look easy and some are difficult. Which one do you pick? Easy path right? But what if some or all of the easy paths have danger signs? Of course you'd avoid those.

 

But what if you are unable to see the signs?

 

Kitty, Peter, and my friends help me to see the signs by helping me want to be better then I really am. But I'm afraid. If they saw the real me what would they do? Some of them have had a hard life, but really only Magneto really has a clue as to the horrors I've undergone, what sins I've committed to live. He at least understands survivor guilt.

 

There's a song I like, the others don't, that kind of speaks to my moods.

 

When the day has come That I've lost my way around And the seasons stop and hide beneath the ground When the sky turns gray And everything is screaming I will reach inside Just to find my heart is beating

 

Oh, you tell me to hold on Oh, you tell me to hold on But innocence is gone And what was right is wrong

 

'Cause I'm bleeding out So if the last thing that I do Is to bring you down I'll bleed out for you So I bare my skin And I count my sins And I close my eyes And I take it in And I'm bleeding out I'm bleeding out for you (for you)

 

When the hour is nigh And hopelessness is sinking in And the wolves all cry To fill the night with hollering When your eyes are red And emptiness is all you know With the darkness fed I will be your scarecrow

 

Well enough contemplation of failure and ruin for now. Don't want to dwell on cities in flame, the world ending, and Armageddon impending. After all such situations result in you losing your hat (to quote my favorite comics) and any situation where you lose your hat is a bad situation.   Ha Ha.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Onto the main story.

**Part 1: Late Night Assessments**

 

Emma was working late in her office, which also served as a study and a living room. There was also an attached bedroom for when she decided to spend the night (or if [Sebastian Shaw](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sebastian_Shaw_\(comics\)) was in the mood, the man could be a satyr at times).

 

Emma had just finished updating the dossier profiles of the New Mutants. The files were electronic and only accessible by the HC inner circle (very strong encryption, AES 1024). However, Emma liked keeping her secrets so Emma's attached notes were additionally encrypted via a mental algorithm. The decrypted text would be gibberish to anyone who did not have the psychic algorithm.

 

**Dossier: Sam Guthrie (Cannonball)**

**Character:** Loyal to his friends and family. Good character. Basic salt of the earth mid west individual. Meat and potatoes kind of person. Smart but not brilliant. Plodder more than a gifted student. Get it done kind of a person.

 **Treatment Assessment:** Isolation of the traumatic memories appears successful. More difficult then some due to his religious beliefs being harmed by the concept of this Beyonder individual.

 **Potential:** Mid level leader at best. Good squad captain potential but unlikely ever to rise high in the HC ranks. His abilities make him a good heavy hitter on the power scale. I wonder if any of his siblings are potential mutants as well?

 **Recommended assimilation technique:** Family. Guthrie is loyal to a fault. Do good by him and his and the battle is almost won. Recommend that the academic potential of his siblings be assessed and possibly grant some scholarships (although likely local private schools will be needed to avoid breaking up the family for now).   Investigate the farm and see if we can arrange some mineral rights lease deal to bring a bit of prosperity to his mother without being obvious about out.

 

 

**Dossier: Xi'an Coy Manh (Karma)**

**Character:** Protective of her remaining family (who are missing) and loyal to those she believes are worthy of her loyalty. Good character but quite capably of harshness and has a ruthlessness she hides most of the time. Major repressed lesbian tendencies. Smart, good student. Comfortable with the exercise of power.

 **Treatment Assessment:** Isolation of the traumatic memories appears successful. Easiest of the group due to prior traumas. I was able to blur the traumas together, allowing her prior recovery behaviors to reassert.

 **Potential:** Mid level leader, possibly higher. Has leader ship potential and her power makes her an excellent assertion team member due to her ability to control others. Potential long term HC inner member due to her power set.

 **Recommended assimilation technique:** Two fold; find her siblings and provide a stable  accepting environment.

 

 

**Dossier: Rahne Sinclair (Wolfsbane)**

**Character:** Fanatically loyal to her friends and family. Very judgmental of others. Strict religious bigoted upbringing has filled her with low self esteem and loathing for her mutant wolf form abilities. This is complicated by her innate enjoyment of her wolf form. Deep fear of Illyana, I suspect that this is partially an externalization of her own self hatred. Average student but loves to write escapism fiction.

 **Treatment Assessment:** Isolation of the traumatic memories appears successful. Interestingly it was less difficult then Guthrieeven thought she has more extreme religious beliefs. Easier to make it all just the work of the devil.

 **Potential:** Squad member or body guard. Her abilities and senses would make a most excellent personal guard.

 **Recommended assimilation technique:** Friends and her innate loneliness. Be nice. Never the fist always the open hand. Be good to her. Interesting potential with her foster mother; it would be nice to bring that research facility under HC sway. Investigate the use of triple blind third party funding grants.

 

 

**Dossier: Amara Juliana Olivians Aquilla (Magma)**

**Character:** Reserved, loyal to her friends and family. Whole Roman duty and honor thing. Aristocratic by nature and nurture. Smart.

 **Treatment Assessment:** Isolation of the traumatic memories appears successful. Basic memory blur and distort technique to mitigate the trauma.  

 **Potential:** Very heavy hitter. HC potential and I dare say long term inner HC circle potential. Possible queen grade.

 **Recommended assimilation technique:** Honor and obligation. Plus the chance to confront/kill the current black queen. Play upon duty and revenge. She should be the easiest to sway to our cause.

 

 

**Dossier: Douglas Ramsey (Cypher)**

**Character:** Outgoing, very smart. Easily influenced by a pair of breasts (quintessential horny young man). Brilliant student.

 **Treatment Assessment:** Isolation of the traumatic memories appears successful. Again the basic memory blur and distort technique to mitigate the trauma.  

 **Potential:** His ability to process languages is underappreciated. There are many forms of communication, not to mention the code breaking abilities (Ha, take that NSA). **Not** field agent caliber.

 **Recommended assimilation technique:** Challenging academic environment, chances to excel, appreciative young ladies (needs a girl friend).

**Dossier: Illyana Rasputin (Magik)**

**Character:** Mostly unknown. Secretive, possible obsessive traits, quite ruthless. Mostly unknown as I have not been able to properly read her mind. Loyal to her friends. Deep depths of evil (or so the mind scans of the others inform me).

 **Treatment Assessment:** Unknown, she was more active then the others when they came here and has continued to show more interaction over time. However, there is a hollowness, an emptiness that seems to linger about her; and I think it's growing.

 **Potential:** HC inner circle queen. Her ruthlessness and her power make her an obvious candidate. Teleportation, magic, and mental shields that are staggering. Also, having her as a protégée would be sublime. She would be the perfect counter to the current Black Queen for Sebastian and I. Moreover, this whole ruler of a limbo dimension gives us the potential to destroy the Black Queen. Plus she's a blond and the world is meant to be ruled by blonds (snicker).

 **Recommended assimilation technique:** Unknown. She has no apparent interest in power, wealth, sex (men or woman). Possible manipulation of family and friends?

 **Additional Notes:** Unconscious surface emotions and reactions are telling. Her time in limbo at the hands of her captor gives me concern. I'm picking up hints of prolonged physical, emotional, and mental abuse from her time in limbo; and I fear sexual abuse as well.

 

Emma stared at the last line in Illyana's file. How to reach the girl? Of all the New Mutants she was the one that was truly a diamond in the rough. So much potential.

 

Emma got up from her desk and went over to the mini bar to pour herself a generous dollop of Armagnac. As she savored the drink one of the alarms on the office wall went off showing that there was some kind of commotion going on in the Hellions dorm quarter. Emma started telepathically eavesdropping (using the eyes and ears of the folks involved) while she walked over to the fireplace's and sat down on one of the white leather couches (Italian leather, oh so comfy).

 

Emma monitored the events (as shown in pages 15-17 in Issue #39).   Illyana's demonic appearance was of high concern to the other students (they were quite freaked out in fact). She had silvery horns with small silver skulls woven into her hair. Red high heel boots, silver armor covering the upper half of her body, long full arm white silk gloves, and only a long white loin cloth to hide her unmentionables; and a long red barbed devil tail that was flicking around like a cat's tail. _"The tail is a new twist, looks like Kurt's"_ Emma thought. Before only Illyana's garb and ornamentation had been changing, now her physical form was shifting was well.

 

 _"Hiya Mannie"_ Illyana purred as she sashayed up to Manuel (code name Empath), who had a look of stark terror on his face. Illyana draped her arms over Manuel's shoulders and did a rather impressive bump and grind. As Illyana stared into his eyes Manuel felt the tip of her tail was caressing his cheek. _"Still want to play? I'm game if you are"_ Illyana asked. Manuel only just managed to keep control of his bladder. He untangled himself from her and quickly backed out of the room.

 

 _"This is not going to end well"_ Emma thought _"Unless I can reach her. Even worse, the rest of the team is being affected which might undo everything I'm attempting to achieve._ _Although Empath really did deserved that"._ Emma had wanted Tarot to be Illyana's roommate but Tarot had gone into hysterics at the suggestion; something about the cards predicting her death _._

_"Damn",_ Emma muttered after a few minutes thought, then got up and went back to her desk to update Illyana's file.

 

 **Addendum, personal note:** I fear that I have miscalculated. Additional magical talent would be a fine addition to the Academies arsenal of talent for the HC, and as a counter to the new and most unwelcome black queen; however Illyana is showing ever more signs of instability. Worse, my attempts to mitigate the death trauma still has no affect upon Illyana as her mind shield is impregnable (how does she do that?) and she refuses to lower it, that is when she bothers to be here.

 

She spends far too much time in this Limbo dimension and the affects upon her are not positive. She claims to be avoiding nightmares by not dreaming; but sleep deprivation is not therapy. The ability to avoid sleep is of some concern; however the resulting impacts upon her mental state are of more pressing concerns. I have mitigated the trauma of the other New Mutants, but had delayed attempting to make any additional mental modifications to their loyalties until I had resolved Mrs. Rasputin's issues. My reason for this is simple, Mrs. Rasputin appears to be akin to an uncontrolled unshielded nuclear reactor lacking any control rods and has a propensity to violence.

 

I must tread lightly here, she's unstable and unpredictable. No telling what she might do if she thought her friends were in danger or were being influenced in ways she disapproved of. Her potential reactions are unknown at this time. She might just find it funny, she might just kill anyone she thought was responsible (and I fear she may have both the ability and the means to do it). In short, at this time I have no idea as to her possible reactions. Damn, the girl's perfect HC Queen material. And is a perfect counter to Selena. But what to do?

 

Emma went back to the bar for a refill. She picked up her Dictaphone (Authors note: Yes an outdated technology) and recorded a message for her secretary " _Ben, have Illyana come by the office before class"_.

 

 _"What to do"_ Emma mentally grumbled as she refilled her sniffer. Emma turned around and was startled to find Illyana standing there. Her start caused her to drop her class glass.

 

 


	3. chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Couldn't resist a brief shout out to H.P. Lovecraft in this chapter. Who better then Illyana to understand Lovecraft's elder gods. If Emma appears nicer then normal remember she is trying to sway the New Mutants to her side.

**Part 2: Late Night Therapy**

 

Illyana's tail lashed out and caught the brandy sniffer before it could hit the carpet (a few drops were spilt). Emma took a panicky step back and assumed a combat stance as the tail raised the sniffer up and presented it to Emma.

 

 _"Damn it girl! What are you playing at"_ Emma angrily shouted at Illyana.

 

 _"You summoned me, so I came"_ Illyana nonchalantly answered. _"Names have power, you should be careful. Speaking the name of a demon or devil can bring you to that entities attention if they are powerful enough"_.

 

Illyana waved the sniffer at Emma but Emma made no move to retrieve the sniffer from Illyana's tail. Illyana shrugged and brought the sniffer to her own lips and took a taste.

 

 _"Yuck"_ Illyana made a face and put the sniffer down on the bar _"Do you have anything better to drink then that?"_ Illyana inquired.

 

 _"Proof that there's still a child in there somewhere"_ Emma thought with some relief as she abandoned the combat stance and assumed a more relaxed posture. Emma gestured at the mini fridge under the bar _"Help yourself"._

 

Illyana crouched down and opened the fridge. She looked at the contents for a second, and then the tail reached into the fridge and retrieved a can of Coke. Illyana stood back up while the tail barb deftly opened the can. The can was then lifted by the tail to Illyana's lips and she took a nosily slurp. _"Thanks, was a bit parched, so what do you want Mrs. Frost"?_

Emma had watched the whole (get the can of coke and open it with the tail) episode with concern and then with some amusement. Emma replied while retrieving her sniffer from the bar. _"Trying to intimidate me dear? You'll need to do better then that, although the tail is off-putting at first. I must say I approve of the attire, rather risqué thought; and somewhat cold for the weather"._ The office's window could be heard rattling from gusts of snowy wind.

_"Thanks, I used your garb as inspiration"_ Illyana answered with a small laugh, _"Winter and I are old acquaintances. Cold doesn't really bother me much"_.

 

 _"Really"_ Emma thought, _"There's a story in that statement"._

Illyana returned to the original topic, _"So, you called"?_

_"Yessss"_ Emma slowly answered, _"I recorded a note that I wanted to see you in the morning so why are you here now and how did you know"?_

 

Illyana replied with a slight mischievous grin _"I said it before, you summoned me. Speaking the name of a demon or godling can give them access to you. I heard my name and I listened in to what you said. Since you wanted to see me I thought why not now. If you're busy I can always come back in the morning"._    Illyana took the coke can from her tail, which then started to lazily flick back and forth.

 

 _"Illyana dear, you're not a demon"_ Emma admonished (while making a mental note to never mention her name while in Hell Fire Club meetings). " _Regardless of your current appearance"._

 

Illyana's tail froze. _"Wouldn't be so sure about that"_ Illyana replied with a hard tone.

 

 _"Watch the tail, it's an additional form of body language"_ Emma thought to herself. Emma decided to play nice for now. _"No, now is as good a time as any"_ Emma replied while taking a sip. " _Illyana dear, I'm quite concerned about you, and so are your old and new teammates. You don't seem to be quite yourself. Your friend's memories show you much more reserved then this, not to mention the body form changes"._

Illyana looked over her body while the tail resumed slowly waving about _. "Yes the alterations were not planned, just a side affect I suppose. I'd have thought you'd approve. After all don't you want us all evil and such"?_

 

 _"No child"_ Emma replied with a sigh. " _I want you healthy. Whole. Sound of mind and body. Evil, as it were, is very inconvenient and problematic; not to mention difficult to manage"._

 

Illyana looked slightly surprised and sarcastically replied _"Really, and you keep_ _Manuel around because he's such a nice person"?_

 

_"Believe it or not Illyana, Manuel is actually a better person than when he first came here. Yes he's a vicious evil self satisfied little turd. A perfect example of both nurture and nature gone wrong. However, none of what he is was my doing. I have managed to moderate some of his worse behaviors and thoughts. I don't want a school of sociopaths. I want a school of the best possible talent"._

_"And your word is the one word of truth then Mrs. Frost"_ Illyana replied while starting to walk around the office and examining the various artwork on the walls.

 

Emma thought upon the word phrase for a second, _"No Illyana, I'm not Lord Foul; although I have read the books as well. One of my favorite authors in fact"._

 

Emma decided to get right to the point, _"Illyana we're at an impasse here. I believe strongly that you are in need of trauma therapy similar to your teammates. I don't think you're coping with what happened to you. You won't let me into your mind to help mitigate the memories so I'm somewhat at wits end on how to help you. I want to earn your trust, but I don't know how"._

 

Illyana stopped walking and appeared to contemplate Emma's words, " _I've never let anybody into my mind, not you, not the professor, nobody. Trust is a big word and frankly I don't trust anybody with my mind_ ", her tail slashed to the left as if to wave off any such contemplation.

 

Emma thought for a moment and then replied, _"Ok, I can accept that, let's try a trust exercise then. We will ask each other questions. We'll agree to answer as fully as we decide to, but no lies. If you or I are unconformable with a question then we will state as such but will still answer to the level of detail we decide. As a sign of my good faith you will go first and get to ask me five questions before I can ask you one; then we will exchange questions. This will continue until, well something"_.

 

Illyana thought over the request for a moment and then inquired _"And why would I want to ask you questions"_?

 

Emma laid out her arguments _, "Because I am likely a perfect person for you to ask questions of. I'm not a shining example of goodness that you were surrounded by at Xavier's . I believe you have not had an older woman in your life that you could ask questions about things that you would really do not want any of your friends to know about"._

_"Ororo is a fine woman for many issues, but people like me, and I suspect like you, have and have had issues that Ororo likely is not a good source of advice for. Not to mention the whole judgmental thing on one's actions that you may be afraid of. I'm not a better woman in their eyes, but I am much less judgmental. I'm fallen, evil, a bad person in the opinions of the X-Men, but I suspect I'm just the person you need. I'm not suggesting that I should be your role model, but you may have had situations in your life that I may understand and relate to much more then nice people would"._

_"Plus"_ Emma thought, _"The nature of your questions will allow me to better understand you"._

 

Illyana frowned in thought for some moments, _"Agreed, this could prove... interesting. But how can I be assured that you will not tell anybody or try to use anything you learn against me"?_

Emma replied with a laugh, _"Because we're both cast iron bitches when betrayed, or so I believe. Causing you pain and distress would be a poor life choice on my part and..."_ Emma's voice got a bit hard _"yours as well"._

_"Let's sit over by the fire dear"_ Emma stated as she walked over to the couch, its leather nice and toasty from the fire. Emma sat on the couch and patted the cushion next to her right side " _Sit child and let us begin"._

 

Illyana slowly walked over and sat down next to the Emma, her tail on her right side away from Emma. The end of the tail hung over the couch and lightly moved about.

 

Illyana thought for a moment and asked her first question. _"Have you ever done anything that you really regret"?_

 

 _"We all have Illyana, but I suspect that is not really the answer you seek"._ Emma twirled her finger around the sniffer glass rim _._

_"There are many things I regret, some of which are not getting rid of some people who harmed me. But..."_ Emma gave the topic a bit of thought and decided to share a very personal mistake _, "I suppose me biggest regret was participating in an act that caused my first love to be killed. When I was younger, and much more foolish, I participated in a fake kidnapping of myself in an attempt to extort money from my father. The plan was that Troy and I would get a large sum of money which would allow him to pay off his debts to a mobster. Well... things did not work out very well. The fake kidnapping ended rather badly as it transformed into a real kidnapping and Troy ended up killed while defending me. I was certainly not innocent by that point but I really regret I ever agreed to the fake kidnapping. Troy might still be alive and things would likely have turned out very different for me. Maybe better, maybe worse, but different"._

_"Have you ever killed anybody with your own hands or powers"?_

 

Emma thought over the question for a few seconds. Not want to kill, not harmed, killed. The X-Men were oh so noble at attempting to prevent lose of life; that is when they were pretending that Wolverine was not the killer that he was. Illyana had likely done things in her past that nobody knew about.

 

_"Yes I have. More than a few times. The first was the thugs, and their leader, who killed Troy. I used my powers to make them fight each other to the death. I was so angry. Angry at them for taking Troy away from me. Angry at myself for having been so stupid. Angry at Troy for having gotten killed. Just angry. I used that anger against them. The rage, the hate, the pain made me stronger, but I crossed some ethical lines that day; both internally and legally. Since then I have killed others, but mostly those who sought my harm as well. Sebastian's, and my ascendency in the Hell Fire Club was not bloodless or without price. A price I sometimes think sits with him more comfortably then I"._

 

_"Did you have friends when you were younger"?_

 

Not sure what to make of the question, Emma thought. Likely hints at major loneness in her past.

 

_"Not really. I was not a popular girl, which I'm sure would come as a surprise to the X-Men. I was rather geeky and not liked by the other girls. I was also a bit of a late bloomer which did not help my self esteem or my social standing. I had some associates but no real friends. Something I envy in you New Mutants and even my own students. You all have childhood relationships I never had. The friendships, trusts, fears, trivial betrayals, and infatuations that so help make a better life"._

 

 _"Did you ever kill somebody you loved"?_ Illyana's tail stopped moving.

 

Emma considered the question while she examined the implications of the question. Where did that come from? Not good. Not a question she expected at all. Not even something she would have guessed. If this question reflected upon prior Illyana actions then this trust game was entering into unknown territory. Possibly dangerous territory.

 

 _"No, thank God. That is an act I have so far avoided. I have not had cause to harm those I love or had to harm them in self defense"._ Illyana appeared slightly disappointed with the answer.

 

 _"Did you alter Kitty's mind when you kidnapped her"?_ The tail tensed up, primed for some action.

 

 **DANGER** , it felt like the room had suddenly dropped forty degrees Fahrenheit and the room somehow appeared to have darkened, plus she could swear there were now things in the dark corners of the room. Prior friendship question was related to this one. Possibly all the prior questions were related to this question (although Emma was not quite sure how). Emma realized that even when in such a demonish form Illyana was extremely possessive of her friends. Good when it's on your side, very very bad when it is not. And Kitty was Illyana's quintessential BBF. Emma answered very carefully.

 

_"No I did not. I played with her perceptions a bit and gave her a fright but I left her mind unaltered while I pretended that I had played with it. At first I did not know why she was here and frankly suspected that she was on some mission to infiltrate the school. I kept wondering why the X-Men were not showing up to save her while I played the villain. When the New Mutants showed up for the rescue I finally realized that the X-Men were missing. This left me in a bit of a predicament. I could not just let you go, but I really did not know what to do with you. Frankly I was slightly relieved when you and Dani came back and teleported them all away. I know that sounds rather odd and unbelievable but the entire incident was not planned. I just played it by ear while constantly expecting the X-Men to arrive any second. Also Ororo considers Pryde a kind of surrogate daughter and I'm smart amount not to mess with a mother's child. No telling what Ororo might do"._

 

The room stayed dark and cold for a few seconds, then Illyana's tail relaxed and the room resumed its former warm brightly lit self. Emma allowed herself a mental slow breath of relief while she thought _"Think I was worried about the wrong person, Illyana is far more dangerous than Ororo. Ororo has scruples, ethics, rules; I'm not sure Illyana does or frankly cares about such things if what is her's is threatened"._

 

Emma's turn. She decided to start out slow. _"Do you really like Manuel or were you just playing emotional power games with him"?_

 

Illyana flick her tail and right hand in dismissal _"Mannies a pig on his best days. He's cute enough in that European aristocratic way, dresses nice as well. But if a soul could have an aroma he's would stink of the open sewer. It's fun to play with him because he gets so scared that I might be serious; which of course probably leads to all kinds of performance anxiety issues, poor baby. And it scares him that he finds me attractive, likely has some dominatrix fantasies. Although I do have to confess I'm toying with the thought of feeding him to some of my pet demons"._   

 

Illyana's turn, _"Why did you want to help us"?_

 

_"Several reasons child. The pain you and your team felt was projected at a telepathic level. I could feel the terror, the anguish, the pain each night you all dreamed your interlinked dream. It was like hearing kittens endlessly mewing in terror and hunger. I was unable to block it out, which rather surprised and dismayed me. I guess my maternal side (yes I have one sometimes, don't give me a sarcastic look young lady) wanted to end the pain. Therefore I decided I'd offer my services to Erik in an attempt to help. There was the bonus that if I could help you then I stood a good chance of adding you all to my team. Moreover, it was an opportunity to show that I could be a better person then the X-Men. Sebastian approached Xavier for help when I was in a coma, but was rebuffed. Sebastian does not easily ask for help and Xavier's cavalier dismissal of the request was very poor politic on his part. He was given an opportunity to possibly sway Sebastian but instead dismissed him like some minor flunky. Sebastian disliked Xavier before, but after that it the dislike became very personal"._

 

_"How are you able to block mind reading so well? I have never encountered mind shields are strong as yours"._

_"Still annoyed about that? Don't be. Professor X tried for like forever to read my mind and was endlessly frustrated. However, he never asked me how I did it. I suppose he considered it a challenge to figure it out; and a very convenient excuse for not peering inside. How I do it is... complicated. The block is partially magical as I knew the Professor could read minds and I did not want anybody knowing what happened to me for the seven years that I was in limbo. Before I returned from limbo I spent some time crafting a spell that would take advantage of my altered soul to prevent anybody from reading my mind. In addition I really do have many demonic traits and the ability to block mind scans is part of such traits. That ability, combined with the spell, creates a mind shield no telepath can crack. I heard the Professor talking about what he perceived once, just an endless sky of fog. No point of scale, no reference points, no idea where the mind is. Quite effective, rather proud of myself"._

 

Illyana asked, _"Are you a good person"?_

 

Emma was slightly annoyed with the question. Good and bad can be quite relative and personal. She was about to dismiss the question with a curt answer but remembered to reflect upon who was asking the question. Emma had no true understating on how Illyana viewed the world, made decisions, interpreted the rules of social norms. Telepathy was oh so convenient when trying to understand somebody's perspective. The inability to read Illyana's mind left Emma guessing at the underlying question's motivation.

 

_"Well, the X-Men think I'm quite bad. The whole rule the world thing I suppose. My actions are certainly not kind to my opponents. Do I do bad things? Yes frequently in their eyes and in mine. Do I do good things? Yes frequently in my eyes although I suppose such things are glossed over in their eyes. I use my powers for the betterment of myself and those in my care. I train the young and help some of those in need. I won't try to pretend I'm a nice person, but almost everybody is a mix of good and bad. Bad people do good things. Good people do bad things. We can be good, but do great evil. We can be bad, but still do good. I'm not trying to be self serving here, but many so called good people are just better at hiding the bad things they've done"._

Emma decided to ask a rather tangential question. _"Are the Lovecraft stories about real things? The others have memories of you talking about the elder gods and I can't help but think about the H.P. Lovecraft stories I read years ago"._

Illyana chuckled a few times. _"_ _Belasco's library had all of Lovecraft's stories, he was quite the fan. Some of the elder gods he wrote about really are the elder gods that Belasco serves. Lovecraft did not get everything right, but his stories have more then just a grain of truth. I suspect he had lots of visions and dreams which influence his writings. In addition, he was probably very sensitive to magic, possible adapt potential. Anyway, many of the creatures he wrote about actually do exist. I can summon some for you if you want"._

Illyana continued. _"Oh, and some of the places exist as well. The Mountains of Madness being a particularly noxious place. Rather close by the Savage lands. Luckily those mountains are quite magically concealed, otherwise who knows what would happen if folks started visiting them. Now the_ _Necronomicon is not nearly as dangerous to read as you might think. The key is to remember that the author, that Mad[Arab](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arab) [Abdul Alhazred](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abdul_Alhazred), really was a very bad speller. Proper pronunciation is key to the various incantations and it's really is easy to get them wrong. I suspect he was not quite as mad as some say, rather he had a rather wicked sense of humor in his constant misuse of spelling and words. I mean really, using an Aramaic word for pear that is just one symbol different from the word for demon? The book is filled with such little tricks. Oh, and don't go visiting [Innsmouth,](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Shadow_Over_Innsmouth) it really is a creepy place filled with weird fishy people. Um, Mrs. Frost you're looking at me strangely. Did I say something wrong"?_   

 

Emma shook her head _"Just had to ask didn't I"_ she thought. " _I am never reading those books again. Way too scary now"_.

Illyana's next question was rather vague, _"What do you want in life"?_

_"Hmm, more difficult question to answer then one might think"._ Emma took another drink from her sniffer while she thought about the question.

_"Wealth, power, position, I have all of those and I might add worked damn hard for it. I want to expand all of them as well. But that is more living then ultimate goals. I have my health, my looks, and a quite deliciously skilled man in Sebastian. All of these things are in the now though. I'm actually not quite sure and that troubles me. I have many long term goals, plans, plots, but am I living for them or are they just steps to some other plan? Congratulation child that is a question I find myself unable to answer well, or at all at this time. I confess I will have to spend sometime thinking about it"._ Emma found herself faintly troubled by her answer. It seemed shallow. What did she really want now that she had achieved so much?

Emma decided to get back on track with her next question on probing Illyana, _"What is your favorite Disney princess"?_ Emma had a good guess as to whom it would be but the key was to hear Illyana's description.

_"Um, let me think about that for a second. Never really had much of a Barbie phase as it were. At the age where most of my friends were playing with dolls I was living in a wilderness learning to survive, hunt, fight, and kill. Hmm, Frozen I guess. I identified a bit with Queen Elsa. Nobody understood her. She didn't understand her self. Her powers were out of control and kept hurting the ones she loved. Rather envied the happy ending though. Rather soured me on the film, always the happy ending. It would have been much more honest if her sister had remained frozen, killed by Elsa's power, and Elsa had figure out how to deal with it. Life doesn't work that way. Your dead don't come back, no matter how sorry you are. And if they do come back, well... that can be ever worse. I know"._

Illyana's tail was lashing. _"Really didn't like the film, some of the team thought I'd identify with Emma. Kitty got it though, she never brought up the film and thankfully never bought any of the merchandise. Shard's I hate that frozen shirt Rahne keeps wearing on the weekend. Wanted to just... Well it bothers me. I didn't like the film"._

 

Illyana now asked her next question, _"What did you do to their minds? How did you help them"?_

 

_"I found that I could not just erase what happened to them without causing grave harm. So I altered their recollection of the events that lead to their death, resurrection and enslavement. I blurred the details and softened the pain. I carefully cut out tiny bits of their memories of Beyonder. The absolute knowledge that they were less the nothing to him. The understand that they were not even trivial playthings at best, powerless to prevent anything and completely and utterly enslaved to do his will. It's still there, but the despair, the pain, the understanding of their insignificance has been mitigated. The sharp cutting pain has been dulled. Time will do the remainder of the healing. Something I think you need as well. I did slightly tweak Rahne's mind to not constantly be judging others and not be scandalized when seeing scantily clothed people. That tweak will fade over time unless I reinforce it"._

 

Emma decided to address Illyana's current form with a bit of an open ended question _"Are you as shape shifter as well? Your form keeps altering the longer you are here"._

 

 _"No I'm not a shape shifter"_ Illyana replied with a grimace. _"But my form can sometimes shift depending on my moods and the amount of magic I use"._

 

Illyana continued, the grimace fading as a rather angry expression took its place. " _The evil that is me sometimes finds expression by altering the image, the shape I show the world, into something more true. The Beyonder, curse him, showed everybody what the evil inside me looks like. Showed it to all my friends, Kitty, some of the X-Men. Damn him! I worked so hard to suppress it. Hide it. And with a wave of his arm, a touch of his hand, all that I hide is pulled out and shown to all. I ran away the first time, teleported to Limbo with Kitty, Sam, Dazz and Rachel. I went a bit mad, can't really recall what happened. Kitty restored me, but ever since that time this shape tends to be much easier to, well flow into. Sometimes I find myself forgetting which shape is the transformation and which is the norm"._

Illyana took off the glove on her right hand and started to inspect the arm. _"At least the skin hasn't turned red. That's likely a bad sign"._

 

Illyana put back on the glove while asking her next question, _"Why do your students stay"?_

 

Now it was Emma's turn to laugh. _"You mean do I force them to stay or do they remain here voluntarily? I know it can be hard to believe but I don't force any of my students to stay, well not force long term. A certain effort was needed to persuade Manuel to stay here at first. Several of my students come from unpleasant home environments and this is a definite improvement. I offer training, education, skills, opportunity and a nurturing environment. One that is much less judgmental then Xavier's. It's really that simple"._

 

Emma asked a follow up question on Illyana's physical transformation, " _Why has your form shifted"?_

 

Illyana appeared to find the question uncomfortable. Her eyes started to wander about the room instead of meeting Emma's eyes; the tail started to twitch.

 

_"I'm... not quite sure. I know it should bother me but I don't really seem to care. I've been using a bunch of magic recently and this might be a side affect. Maybe I just don't feel like hiding it any more, not really sure. I really don't know what else to say"._

 

Emma assessed the answer. Not good. Distracted, appears confused. She's not lying, but she is concealing something.   She might even be concealing it from herself. For the first time Emma wondered if Illyana was on drugs. Just what was going on in this Limbo?

 

Illyana stopped looking around the room and looked Emma in the eye " _Why do you want to help me"?_ The tail went still.

 

 _"Because I fear you are not yourself. You are in pain"._ Time to share some truths that Emma almost never shared.

_"Some of which reminds me of myself when I was, well, when I was briefly institutionalized by my parents. The thoughts of others can be quite the torment for a young telepath. Mental shields are learned not so much for self defense against attack but as a means to keep out the crescendo of other's thoughts. It can be quite hard at times to know what thoughts are your own and what thoughts belong to others. I was... confused for a period of time. I lacked the ability to correctly discern myself. That was... not a good time. My motivations are not completely altruistic. You have great potential Illyana. I want to see that potential realized, not squandered. Not wasted. I want to see that potential used for the Hell Fire Club. I also have concerns that you are... unwell. That you also may be in a place where you are not correctly discerning things"._

 

Time to probe deeper, _"Have you ever killed anybody Illyana"?_

 

Illyana's tail jerked, and then settled down. Illyana again broke eye contact to stare at the fireplace. There was a long silence.

 

 _"Yes"_ Illyana whispered, more to herself then to Emma.

 

Illyana sighed and then faced Emma again, _"Yes I have, multiple times. Once in self defense, once to..., it's hard to describe, let's just say one was a mercy killing. Another was, well a tree, but Oak was more of a person to me then many people I have met. I thought I had killed S'ym but he somehow managed to survive being cut open and partially eviscerated by my sword. In Asgard my enslaved dark form killed quite a few people. I like to pretend that that wasn't really me, but it was in so many ways. My friends gloss over my actions in Asgard during that time but I can't. Killing can and does come quite easy to me. Too easy"_. Illyana's tail became quite agitated, the tip lashing aback and forth on couch.

 

_"Have you ever tortured anybody? I mean really physically tortured somebody; not just using your mind powers to cause pain"._

 

The plot thickens thought Emma, again a potential interesting question in relation to Illyana's experiences and actions _._

_"Yes, a few times. Mostly I'm able to get what I want via my mind. A very few time I've had to personally deal with people at a physical level. I won't go into any details, but I did not enjoy it. I had to be hard, I had to get what I needed. But, I felt befouled afterwards, disgusted that I had descended to their level. Some doors once opened can never fully be shut again; and the price we pay is always higher then we think. There is a quote from the Israeli Mossad (We seek to hire the most ethical people we can find, so then have them do the heinous things that need to be done. Who better to trust with such actions? Those who enjoy it or those who hate it). It's sometimes not pleasant to learn just what kind of a person we can be"._

 

Emma waited a bit, while Illyana digested the answer, before asking her next question. _"Are you sexually active_ "?

 

The answer was not of much concern to Emma, but the reaction to the question was critical. The memories of the other New Mutants showed no real boy or girl friend behaviors from Illyana. Which left Illyana's time in Limbo as a younger child. Would her response be shocked, ashamed, embarrassed, giggle, or worldly.

 

Illyana smiled as her tail did a lazy flip, _"Trying to shock me, well that's like not going to work. The answer is no. I'm currently not sexually active. Nobody here really interests me like that, plus things just get complicated when you do that. It's not that sex isn't fun, it's I just have mixed feelings and memories about it"._

 

Emma was not surprised by the answer, she remained calm waiting for Illyana's next question while she assessed Illyana's reply _"As I feared, worldly. Damn Xavier for not addressing this earlier. He had to have suspected. But, like he has done so many times before, he manages to avoid confronting the issue properly if it makes him uncomfortable; leaving it to others to clean up"._

 

_"Does anybody love you Mrs. Frost"?_

 

 _"Yes I believe so. Sebastian and I are very close. I'm quite estranged from my family, apart from a brother whom has some affection for me. Sebastian has repeatable professed is love for me by word and by deeds. I don't have any real close friends, although Tessa and I are good friends"._ This answer somehow felt trite to Emma. Like something was lacking in it.

 

_"How are you able to avoid sleep and why don't you sleep"?_

 

_"That's two questions but I suppose they're related. I'm using my magics to prevent sleep, which is actually harder than you might suppose. The reason is simple. Dreams. I don't like my dreams"._

Illyana's tail started twitching and lashing back and forth. _"I tend to need less sleep then the others, which is convenient as this lets me do certain magics late at night when my roomie is not present. Do you have nightmares Mrs. Frost? Well I do, a lot"._

Illyana yet again broke eye contact and looked into the fire. Her voice took on a contemplative tone, with some sadness aspects.

_"Especial when I sleep alone. Really miss Kitty and Lockheed. Lately my dreams are nothing but continuous nightmares. I can't really recollect them now, but I'm always dong things to people or having things done to me that I hate_ ".

 

Then, with a faint whisper _"But sometimes I really enjoy it as well, and that's even worse"._ Illyana's tail went limp _._

_"Bad things. I've done some things in my life I really really regret. Damned if you do, dammed if you don't kind of things. Things I have to live with, and some things that tell me just what kind of person I can be, the kind of person I suppose I really am if I stop trying to be good. I don't like it. So I found a way, I made the dreams go away. Now I don't feel so bad, heck don't really feel at all"._

 

Emma reviewed the answer with concern, Escapism, denial, classic fleeing from trauma. Illyana needed to confront the trauma and deal with it or have the trauma mitigated as the others had had it done. Just what had Illyana truly done in the past? But how to convince the girl to allow Emma into her mind? Emma thought more about the answers while she waited for the next question _, "This is going way too easy. Suddenly she's telling secrets that she has shared with nobody. Why? It's almost like she is compulsively telling the truth, stopped caring, or... is desperate"_    Emma suddenly had a shiver, abuse victims usually always consciously or unconsciously act out. What would Illyana acting out look like? She appears to have bottled up a great deal of trauma. Illyana losing control would likely be very bad based upon the memories of her teammates

 

Illyana thought for a bit, then asked _"Have you ever been tortured. I mean really tortured, chained to a wall for days and days while being continually hurt. Not trivial hurts, I mean real long term damage and suffering"?_

_"I have to say the question is disturbing. No not really. I've been held captive, gloated over, forced to endure humiliations and pain, but nothing truly like that. The closest would be the time I was institutionalized. I was drugged and restrained. My memories are blurry from that time. Hard to recollect what was real and what was in my mind. Although I suppose the tribulations Mastermind put me though somewhat counts, even if it was all mental; I still went catatonic from the trauma"._

 

Time to ask the potentially explosive question, the one Xavier should have dealt with, _"Illyana, were you sexually abused in Limbo"?_

 

Illyana did not answer for a long time, only the crackling of the fire and the wintery gusts of wind could be heard. A look of hurt and pain crossed Illyana's face _._ Finally she answered with just one word, " _Yes"._ No details, no enhancements, just yes.

 

There was silence for a time until Illyana asked her next question _. "Do you love anybody? I mean the kind of love that you'd die for them"?_

 

Emma considered the question carefully before answering. _"I'd like to say yes, but truthfully I can't. I don't think I value anyone more then I value myself, not event Sebastian. Sad I suppose, but that's me"._

 

Emma asked a crucial question that she now believed was at the heart of this, " _What do you fear, I' mean what is your greatest fear"?_

 

Illyana opened her mouth to answer, but then a look of confusion crossed her face and she ended up closing her mouth without saying a word. Illyana frowned in thought and again opened her mouth to answer, and yet again found herself lacking a reply. Illyana suddenly got up from the couch and started to pace, her tail lashing back and forth in agitation.

 

 _"I don't know. I should know. But I don't"._ Illyana stopped pacing and turned to look at the white queen _. "This can't be good. How can I not know"?_

 

Emma put down her glass, stood up and walked over to Illyana _, "What you are doing to stop sleeping, to stop the dreams, is affecting you far more then you realize. Your friends are concerned about you, I'm concerned about you. You are not yourself right now. I can help, but you need to let me help you. I'd like to try to be your friend Illyana"._

 

Illyana's frowned in contemplation, then replied with a somewhat chilling statement, _"Be nice to have a friend that I haven't killed or caused to be killed"_.

 

 _"Uh-oh, yet another not good statement and yet likely the key to it all"_ thought Emma. _"I really hope I'm not biting off more then I can chew"_.

 

Emma gently inquired _"Illyana, just what have you done to yourself"?_

Illyana bit her lower lip in indecision. As she did this Emma noticed that Illyana's incisors look rather longer then human norm _._

_"It's easier if I show you"._ A disk of light suddenly appeared beneath their feet. Emma only had time to partially cry out _"Illyana, stop I don't want to..."_ before they vanished.


	4. chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Helps if you've read the original Storm and Magik mini series.

 

 

**Part 3: Off to Limbo**

 

_"Teleport... Damnation girl where are we"?_

_"My old bedroom"_ Illyana replies.

 

Emma quickly looks about the room. Roughly finished native stone room. Looks more like a cave than something built, although the floor is quite clean. No windows. although there are some small discrete air ventilation holes in the ceiling. The only furnishing is an elegant king sized bed with a modern mattress set and light blue silk sheets. There are two doorways, one sealed with a wooden door, bound with iron bands. The other is an opening to some other room, a green reflective light can be seen emanating from within the room.

 

A quick telepathic scan showed some creatures in the immediate vicinity, mental vib implied low level servants doing menial chores. She noticed that the air has a slight sulfurous note but was otherwise unremarkable.

 

Emma briefly reflected upon what little she knew about limbo from prior mind scans of the New Mutants. Whenever Illyana had taken them to limbo it was always in some open space, never to any structure. (Author's note, Only Dani had ever been to the castle and she had never spoken about the details). This was apparently where Illyana had lived for years. _"And apparently kept, this room resembles more of a spacious dungeon cell then honest accommodations"_

 

Illyana starts walking towards the open doorway, _"It's over here, this is where I keep... well it I suppose"._

 

Emma slowly follows after Illyana while mentally cursing herself (Damn, Damn, Damn, Damn). She had lost all control of this therapy session. Teleportation, is oh so inconvenient when others posses it and port you somewhere without even asking. Emma had one main goal at this point; get Illyana to port them back to Emma's office. Emma was more then smart enough not to try to order Illyana to teleport them back. One of the major rules of leadership, never give an order that will be disobeyed or ignored. Authority degrades with impotency.

 

Illyana walks thought the doorway into the other room and Emma pauses as she reaches the doorways once she sees what is within.

 

The room is small cave like room with no openings. Illyana is standing near the center of the room next to a shimmering green magical field. Illyana's expression is odd, half enthralled, half fearful. Within the shimmering field is a repeating video like image of Illyana being burned to death by the Beyonder. She burns to dust but then is resurrected to burn again, like a repeating video loop. Each cycle takes about seven seconds.

 

_“This is where I’ve put the parts of me that sleep and dream"._

 

 _“Oh crap”._ The realization hits Emma, this was a magical version of self medicating. And likely not just medicating, probably mental mutilation as well. Illyana was not treating the problem, just the symptoms like most self medicators did. And like many self medicating people the medicine was now a bigger problem than then the original issues. The others had never had the chance to find their own inappropriate coping mechanisms such as drugs or alcohol, due to the very tight supervision by Magneto and now Emma. However, Illyana’s access to limbo had allowed her to find an unsupervised and entirely inappropriate way to deal with the trauma.

 

It was much worse than Emma originally thought. This was much more than just sleep deprivation psychosis. Illyana had not only locked up her dreams but those parts of herself that dreamed. This provided temporary relief but her subconscious was fighting back, trying to deal with the trauma. Emma hypothesized that this was resulting in a feedback loop that kept amplifying the worse aspects of her abilities and character as more magic was needed to keep the dreams at bay. The reactor analogy was still correct but now the reactor was in early meltdown mode and Emma’s ticket out of Limbo was likely not very rational.

 

Emma had seen this before with some telepaths who fixed their own issues via telepathic surgery. Such mental manipulation usually resulted in dramatic and usually unpleasant personality changes, sometimes irreversible if the underlying mental landscape had been drastically altered or deleted.

 

Emma needed to tread very lightly, her earlier concerns over Illyana’s abilities were now very self evident. She spoke in a calm slow voice _“Illyana dear, I know that locking up the pain looks like good idea but child it won’t work. That’s actually part of you in there and you need it back”._

 

Illyana turned from the repeating images and replied to Emma with a bit of irritation in her voice. _“I’m neither an imbecile, slow, or confused Mrs. Frost so please chill on the psych baby talk. What's your point”?_

_“Child, you are confused, even thought you don’t know it, because you are within psychosis. Look at your appearance. Is this how you wish to look, to be? It may not bother you right now because you are systematically locking up all the parts of you that care. It looks and feels normal because you are within the delusion. Any of your teammates will tell you this. You have lost your point of reference"._

Emma finished with a soft sympathetic tone _"You died, you were brought back. It hurts. I know it’s not fair. You can move forward from this”._

Illyana started to look confused. _“But I like this, I don’t really feel anything, anything at all. I was always fighting my tendencies, and after **HE** …" _Illyana paused with a confused look as she appeared to grasp for words almost as if she had problems remembering, after some delay she finished _"Killed us and then brought us back the hurt was so bad. It’s good not to feel”._

Emma softly coaxed _“Only for a while, then it hurts again and you find yourself doing more to make the pain go away, and each time more of you gets locked up as well”_. She grasped for something to pierce the delusions and denials, _“What would your brother think, or your friend Kitty”?_

Illyana scowled in thought. Then she exited the room, brushing past Emma who was still in the doorway, and returned to the bedroom. Emma turned to watch Illyana pace about the room. Illyana ended up close to one of the bedroom walls and paused in thought. After a few seconds she waved her left hand and summoned a scrying mirror.

The mirror grew into existence from the wall. The mirror was oval and contained within ornately carved frame consisting of various intertwined human figures. Emma could see the room reflecting in the mirror, but disturbingly Illyana cast no reflection.

Illyana gestured with her right hand and her reflections slowly faded into view. Illyana stared intently at her image while her left hand lightly touched her ornamental horns while her tail presented its barbed end for her inspection. Slowly dawning pain filled her expression.

Behind Emma, unnoticed, the repeating image of Illyana's burning started to play back faster and faster.

Illyana hesitantly states _“I… Don’t… Want… To be… This"?_ She closes her eyes and the mirror now starts to not only show her reflection but the burning Illyana image is fading in, overlaid upon the reflection. Unnoticed the imprisoned burning image of Illyana within the magical confinement field slowly fades. Now the reflection and the burning image of Illyana merge in the mirror. As this happens both Illyana's physical and reflected image morph. The tail and horns fade away, along with her white garb to be replaced with Illyana's human form dressed in the hellions purple uniform.

 

Emma watched with concern and some relief as she thought _"That was easier then I feared"_. She started walking towards Illyana's back, _"Illyana dear, I suggest we return to my office and..."_ Emma's words trailed off as Illyana begin to emit a high pitched keening moan of pain.

 

Illyana's reflection was unchanged but now strands of smoke were rising from Illyana's hair. Illyana turned around to face Emma but Illyana's reflection continued to face Emma as well, unturned.

 

 _"How is that possible"_ Emma thought as she froze in her tracks.

 

 _"I don't think this is working out as well as you thought it would Mrs. Frost"_ Illyana said as she started to burn (yet the reflection showed no such event happening). The smell of burning human flesh, similar to roast pork mixed with burnt hair, filled the room as Emma started to back away in a panic. Illyana was charring away, just as in the vision, but instead of being reduced to ash she just continued to burn.

 

Illyana dispassionately examined her charring right hand, one finger already reduced to just blacken bone. _"I fear... something more extreme is needed"_ she stated with an almost emotionless tone as she started to walk towards Emma.

 

Emma continued to back away while beginning to stammer _"Illyana I don't understand, what is happening to you, keep away child"!_

 

 _"Rather too late for that"_ Illyana matter-of-factly states, _"Wall hold her"._ Behind Emma's retreating figure a wall grows from the floor, as Emma backed into the wall several pale thin arms grow from the wall and tightly clutched Emma, pinning her against the wall. The arms were cold and clammy, but as strong and unyielding as stone.

 

 _"Keep back"!_ Emma cried out as she lashed out at Illyana with a mind blast (to no perceivable affect).

 

Illyana walked slowly towards the bound White Queen. _"Little trick I learned from the Enchantress. That bitch"!_ Illyana paused and looked at Emma. Illyana's body language was odd. Her movements were twitchy, jerky; almost like she was a puppet.Her intonations were creepy, disconnected from reality _._ Someone on fire really is supposed to have some kind of emotional response to being aflame.

_"I appear to have need of your abilities and experience Mrs. Frost. I'm having... issues. Something's not right. The pieces don't fit back together. I can feel my mind grinding itself apart"._

 

Illyana's form shifted from a burning teenage Illyana into a burning younger version of Illyana; say nine or ten years old. This younger version was attired in a light brown animal hide leotard; and was now armed with an alarmingly long dagger grasped in her right hand. She tapped the side of her head with her left hand, disturbingly a burning finger tip breaks off while she is doing this.

 

 _"Memories. It's... too fresh again. I made a mistake, took the easy path. I didn't see the danger. Now something's wrong. I don't know what_ ".

 

Illyana mildly gestured with her left hand and Emma found her right arm pulled tight against the wall at roughly the three feet level, her right hand forced open palm outwards.

 

Emma was in a panic. This is not how therapy sessions were meant to be played out. " _No child! Stop! What are you doing"!_   

 

 _"This is going to hurt a lot, for both of us Mrs. Frost"_.

 

Illyana gestured with the dagger and a pentagram within a circle, both burning with white eldritch fire, enclosed them. Emma was at the base of the pentagram, bound by wall _._

_"Illyana there must be some other way, can't you..."._

 

 _"No Mrs. Frost"._ Illyana hushed. _"There is no time for another way._ Illyana's body suddenly convulsively twitched _. "I don't know how much long I can keep functioning"._

 

The young Illyana pressed her left hand palm into Emma's right hand palm. Emma flinched in horror, but instead of the expected burning pain she only felt the palm of a young girl. Emma glanced back at the mirror to see a teenage Illyana dispassionately watching the two of them.

_"I guess you get to go into my mind after all, but I can't trust you on your own"._

 

Illyana raised the dagger, now glowing white with power; the point aimed at the two hands _"Hold onto that what defines the you Mrs. Frost"_.

 

Emma struggled to no avail. With one swift stab Illyana impaled both hands with the dagger. Emma screamed in pain as she felt her flesh and bones cleave. Their blood intermingled and reality swirled.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the word document I used different fonts for different thought streams. Rather disappointed that I can't show this on the web page.

**Part 4: Not in Kansas anymore**

 

Emma felt herself plunging through Illyana's mind. Scattered snippets of memories flashing by like debris blown in the wind. It felt like she was in a tornado of memories being flung about. Emma was somewhat familiar with such mental experiences, the tornado in part reflected severe mental memory disruption. But as the tornado lifted Emma higher she could feel aspects of the memories merging into Emma's mindscape. Emma could feel Illyana's spell partially knitting their minds together.

 

Slivers of memory:

 

Playing on a tractor in Russia with my Papa, smell of sun dried grain in the air

Kitty and Peter reading me a bedtime story. I'm safe and loved

The wonder of Ororo's garden, how it takes my breath away

Dust, sweat, and thirst as Cat trains me

S'ym punishing me, I did not know I could hurt so much and yet live

Nights of pain and pleasure. Sometimes I don't know which I fear more

Cold, so cold. Will I ever escape this frozen hell?

Packing away barely remembered stuffed animals, I want to cry but can't

Kitty giving me a tour of the mansion

Pillow fights and ice cream

Cuddling with Lockheed on bad nights while he softly coos to me

I bind S'ym to my will

Dani's Spirit Bear, is this also my fate to be lost within the magics

Exorcism, how good the magic's feel to be used, I blaze with power

Hurt, Hurt, Hurt, how to stop the Hurt?

 

The whirlwind starts to dissipate and Emma feels her feet on solid but unseen ground. One final foreign set of thoughts flashes thought her mind, but these thoughts are not Illyana's. They came from somewhere else; somewhere very scary. The thoughts, as if multiple entities were thinking in unison producing an odd echo like affect, dripped with malice and ravenous emptiness.

 

The gateway is broken, unraveling

Unfinished

She is not yet grown to women hood

She still has so much to learn

So much more to lose

You will rectify this

Deal with the hurt

Belasco was but the blunt tool to craft her

In the end she will want to do it

It's unsatisfying if damnation is compelled

So much more delicious when chosen

We will GORGE upon you all someday

All

But not today

And then the thoughts was gone, as well as Emma's recollection of them.

 

The blizzard of memories/experiences faded away and Emma found herself standing on dusty sandy ground, the air hot and dry. There were scattered trees and bushes about. Far off in the distance some mountains could be hazily seen. Emma's right hand was holding the left hand of the younger Illyana, still dressed in her animal skin leotard. Emma wanted to rant at the child, but the shared mental link was allowing Emma to feel exactly what Illyana was feeling (Terror, Hurt, Loss, Trepidation, Confusion), the emotions were very powerful and resulted in Emma being kinder then her norm.

 

Emma lightly rebuked Illyana _"I really wish you'd asked first Illyana, there were likely easier ways. But what's done is done, now we need to figure out how to get out of this alive"._

 

 _"If it helps I'll say I'm sorry, but I won't really mean it"_ Illyana replied while gripping Emma's hand tighter. _"Where are we"?_

Emma looked around, _"In your mind. This is all a visualization of a memory, or set of memories, that you are resisting reintegration with. When you started indiscriminately locking up parts of you're mind you created a massive trauma set. The sudden resumption of that entire trauma set was too much for you and you rejected some or all of it; my guess is some. Likely the memories or experiences will have to be re-experienced in the reverse order of their removal. Does this locality mean anything to you"?_

Illyana nervously looked around while clinging to Emma with both hands, _"No, I think Cat and I spent a lot of time out here but I don't really remember"._

 

Emma started to realize that she likely going to get far greater insight into Illyana's prior questions then she would have liked. _"Illyana, who is Cat? You've never mentioned he/she/it before. Also, I got a memory glimpse of Ororo's garden. I'm confused about that. Could you please explain"._

_"Cat was... "._ Illyana let go of Emma's hands and picked up small rock which she then threw it at a tree.

 

_"Cat was Kitty all grown up"._

Illyana stared at where her rock hat hit the tree. Then after a few moments continued.

 

_"It's complicated. Time and causality don't really work well in Limbo. When the X-Men and I were first brought here a version of me escaped Limbo and the X-Men were the one's who ended up trapped. Belasco systematically corrupted and killed most of the X-Men. Wolverine and my brother were apparently the first to die. Kitty was transformed into a cat like version of herself. Kurt became Belasco's servant, but now a demon in mind as well as form, and Ororo ended up enslaved as Belasco's apprentice. Kitty, now Cat, grew up out here and Ororo eventual won her freedom and created a garden out of a small part of Limbo"._

_"But as I said, time works oddly in Limbo. Belasco did the whole bring me and the X-Men to Limbo again, but this time the X-Men escaped and I was trapped"._  
  


Illyana picked up another rock and again threw it at the tree. Emma noted that the rock hit in the same spot as the prior rock.

_"Anyway Belasco seized me and summoned the first blood stone from my soul. The original Ororo and Cat intervened and rescued me. Ororo took me to her garden where I lived for a year before Cat stole me away with the intent of both training me and taking me to Belasco's castle so she could phase between dimensions and return me home"._

_"That didn't work out as planned. In the end I was enslaved as Belasco's apprentice and both Ororo and Cat ended up being killed. I eventual won my own freedom by overthrowing Belasco and taking control of Limbo"._

 

Illyana threw a third rock which again struck the same place.

 

_"I have no idea why I just told you this. You're actually the first one I've really ever told this to. Luck you. So now what"?_

 

Emma thought for a few moments, _"Ordinarily I'd be acting as a supervisor of the mental recreation. But your spell has apparently not only used my abilities to help stitch your mindscape back together but made me a participant as well. My mind is my own but I have overtones, aspects of your memories, and no control of my mental abilities. Annoyingly your emotional state is bleeding into my emotional state as well. My presence here may be an inadvertent side affect, or your sub-consciousness might just not want to be alone; I'd bet on the later though"._

After a bit more thought, _"Another idea is your psyche is too weak to bear the burden on its own so I've be hijacked into being an auxiliary support personality. That idea scares me quite a bit more"._

 

_"But for what we do next I'm not sure child. Usually there is some key, some artifact or person that denotes the trauma, the pain. However, nothing is apparent. It's almost like there is no trauma. This is just something you really don't want to remember and that is likely the key"._

Illyana sarcastically replied, _"So what do I do? Click my heels three times and say there's no place like home"?_

_"Illyana dear, please leave the sarcasm to me. It's your mind, it's your memories. Likely you just have to resign yourself and just accept what happened here"._

Illyana's face suddenly took on a scared expression, she looked at Emma, _"Ok, um could you hold my hand? I know it sounds silly but I'm really scared of something"._ Illyana held out her hands.

Emma took Illyana's hands with her own, _"As I, what you experience I experience and that fills me with a great deal concern"._

Illyana closed her eyes and scrunched up her face in anticipation of something. After a few moments Illyana whispered one word.

 

**_"_ ** **Cat _"_**

****

Memories swirled:


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the word document I used different fonts for different thought streams. Rather disappointed that I can't show this on the web page. This is the darkest part of the story folks. Illyana has had some very bad things done to her and frankly has done some very bad things. 
> 
> For this story I've taken writer's liberty to extrapolate a few things that I think round out the story better and might have happened. I actually wrote most of this chapter first and then wrote the rest of the story
> 
> Also a brief complement to Stephen R. Donaldson's Wounded Land novel. 
> 
> Scenes here are from various issues of the New Mutants and the Asgardian adventures of the New Mutants, plus of course the original Storm and Illyana mini series. Oh and NM #15.

**Part 5: Drawn and quartered down memory lane**

****

Memories swirled:

 

I'm been running for hours with Cat across the dry plains The taste of dust and salt on my lips

The runner's high feeling

Delight in my endurance

Joy in the simple act of running

Enjoyment of the moment

I find myself strangely happy

...

At rest by a small fire, huddling with Cat for warmth and conform

I feel safe

Cared for

Secure

Loved

...

Eating flame seared gazelle, the juices dripping down my chin

Licking my fingers clean, oh so good

Food never tasted this good at home

...

I hunt with skill and stealth

I sense Cat ahead of me hidden

I am downwind and She cannot smell my scent

I strike with all the skill She's taught me

Tag, your it!

I run away giggling, giddy with minor childhood triumph

It's my turn to hide

...

Cat fights for our lives

We've being hunted by some monstrous thing

Cornered, we fight for survival

Cat fights with a desperation of a bear defending her cub

I duck and roll while I hamstring the creature's left ankle

Victory and life is ours

We celebrate our continued existence ...

 

Emma came out of the prolonged memory recall to find her face wet with tears. Illyana was on her knees, hands over her eyes sobbing her heart out. The location has shifted. Now they are on top of one the towers of Belasco's castle. The view is as awe inspiring as it is unpleasant.

 

Emma wiped the tears from her face, _"Illyana what is wrong? Those are good memories. Memories of love and friendship. Why are you so upset"?_

Illyana slowly got to her feet while wiping her face with her hands. Emma noted that Illyana appeared to have aged several years. Illyana walked over to the tower's battlement and placed her hands on the stone. Tears dripping off her chin onto the chipped gray stone.

 

Emma walked up and placed her hands on Illyana's shoulders in an attempt to comfort her which resulted in Illyana quickly turning around with a now angry expression. Emma retreaded back a few steps.

 

Illyana starts shouting at Emma while still crying _"Damn you! Damn Him! Shards how it hurts. Do you want to know how you really hurt someone Emma? Do you?! A hurt that never ends, a hurt that never heals? Take away somebody you love and then have that person returned to you forever_ ** _broken_** _"._

 

Again memories swirled:

 

Anger at how we were played

Just tools for Him to shape me

Words like acid to my soul as he gloats one night

Ororo and Cat were but part of His plan

Ororo but his tool, beguiled to teach me life magic, who better?

Who better then Cat to train and mentor me

Oh how delicious for Him to remake Cat in front of me to be his pet

His plaything

Stealing another part of my soul with grief

Hate so hot I can taste it

Impotent, I remain his captive

Victim

Plaything

Apprentice

Consort...

 

 

Emma is filled with horror as she feels the love turn to acid, the endless daily pain of seeing Cat so reduced. Her surrogate big sister, her best friend, so altered and corrupted. Reduced to an almost mindless animal for Belasco vile enjoyments.

 

The location has now changed to some magical laboratory. Everything is dusty. There is are a few tables scattered about but only one chair. An old bloody pentagram has been painted in the center of the room, the blood is black with age. Various cutting instruments are scattered about the tables as well as other things (a few light bubs, broken glass, some clubs, long needles).

 

Illyana glances about the room, a look of sick pain on her face. _"Shards not this again, this is where I learned to_ **heal _"_** _._

 

Pain

Blood

Hurt

Heal then hurt, repeat over and over until I get it right

Want to please Him Show that I've learned the lessons

Make the hurts stop

 

Motivation he said

How can one know that the lessons are learned unless we practice?

Oh how he makes me practice

Watching the glass leave my flesh, oh shards it hurts

I master the healing spells after a time

Pristine flesh, without scar or blemish

But I'm forever scarred inside

 

The location has again changed. They are now in some gloomy large throne room like chamber. The floor has some scattered bones about, including one leg bone that protrudes from the stone floor. The air is perfumed with the smell of dust and old decayed flesh.

 

Emma is hysterically screaming from the remembered experiences. The cuts, burns, piercings. Chewing and swallowing a broken light bulb, Oh GOD she remembers the lessons.

 

Illyana is caught in mid angry shout. A look of absolute terror grips her as she starts screaming as well _"No, not this! Not again! I don't want to remember! I don't want to remember_ ** _that"_** _!_

Blood dripping down my arms from Cat's claws

I'm on Cat's back, hanging on for dear life as she struggles to kill me

My hands around Cat's throat

Twisting

Pulling

Forcing

Killing

 

The feel of bones shifting

Popping, snapping

As I break Cat's neck

 

Relief that I still live

Elation that I've triumphed

Agony in that I've just killed my best friend

Horror that part of me loved doing it

Terror in the understanding that I'd do it all over again

...

 

 

Cold, so cold. Emma finds that they are now standing on some snowy frozen hell. So cold her flesh is turning blue.

 

Illyana is on her knees having hysterics as she pounds now frozen ground. Emma finds herself screaming with horror at what she has just done, unable to remember for the moment that Cat was not her friend but Illyana's.

 

Illyana looks up at Emma, her eye wild with grief. _"I found a way. I found a way to escape. But it was just a greater trap. I found the way to_ **power** _"._

 

Ice

Cold

Wind

Everything's frozen

I've used my magics for so long to survive this frozen hell

Nothing human could survive, so what does that make me?

Oak has just died and crumbled into dust

Yet another friend dies by my hand

Rage

Hate

Madness

I put all that I have, all that I am into the master spell

I find the metaphor for my freedom

A sword

Metaphor becomes reality and all falls before my rage and insanity

I stop just in time

But in some ways it's already too late

...

 

The location now shifts to Illyana's and Kitty's bedroom at Xavier's school. Emma looked around wildly, what fresh horror awaited. Illyana has aged yet again. Now she's fourteenish years old, has a pony tail and is wearing jeans and a sweater.

 

Illyana and Emma are both panting heavily, as if they have been running for their lives (and in some ways they have).

 

Illyana looks at the white queen with hate in her eyes, _"I should kill you for this. I didn't want to remember, I didn't want to remember how I became me, how I survived, what I did to survive. What I became"._

 

_"That makes two of us child, what you feel I feel and I want to claw my eyes out"._

 

Illyana glances around her room. " _You did this to me, this is where you caused them to_ _break_ **lose** ".

 

Shards the shame

Some of the inner pieces of me broke free

Terrorized the X-Babies, how they hate that nickname

Dani summoned their worst fear, which is myself of course

They disembody and I regain the me that is

Mistrust

Fear

Hate

Such are my fellow students feelings towards me

I cry sometimes, but only where nobody can see

 

Back in limbo again, although now everything is twisted. The landscape is gone. Boulders float in mid air and the air is a swirl with colors. Limbo has gone mad, all is chaos.

 

Emma and Illyana are standing on a floating boulder. Illyana has a sad resigned look. _"This is here it all started to go bad. When all that I had hidden was_ **shown** ".

 

Twisted

Inside out

Everything's reversed

Everything

HIS touch did something

Everything concealed is revealed

I run

Teleport

Flee to Limbo

Others are accidently sucked in

 

I scream

I go mad with self hatred

I twist everything as I've been twisted

I can't help myself

I can't stop I twist them as well

Only Kitty is immune   (How??)

She takes my Sword   (How??)

She slashes me with it The spell is broken

I'm untwisted

 

I gag on what I've done

I've again hurt others that I care for

I realize that they have seen the me I've hidden for so long

I contemplate suicide

I have a long cry with Kitty

 

Dank cold dark dungeon. Water can be heard dripping off in some corner. Illyana again is older, now clothed in a skimpy white bikini. Emma and Illyana are standing side by side. Illyana has a look of resignation, of tired pain. _"This is where she hurt me. Where she gave my darker self form and enslaved me"._ Illyana turned and hugs a surprised Emma, _"I'm sorry, this is going to hurt so bad, this is where I was_ **tortured** _"._

 

**Wall**

How many days have I hung here?

Left in darkness

The heat sucked from my body

Bleeding, hurt unending

Famished, parched

The feel and smell of my own filth

Random injuries

Malicious torture

Bound here undying and unhealing

All the while my enslaved darker self hunts my friends

I would cry, but that would be giving in to Her

I cling to the hate and endure

 

**Hunt**

Joy at no longer being bound by silly moral rules

My Mistress thinks me bound to Her, how I laugh

The moment of the binding was the beginning of its unwinding

You can't really bind something more powerfully than yourself

And for all her experience, I'm much more potent then She

But I play at being the servant for a while as I hunt my friends

Such fun!

But once I've gathered them all and enslaved them I'll have to deal with Her

I ponder what I might do to Her all the while hiding such thoughts from Her

Oh what fun We'll have

But I don't think She'll enjoy it much

 

 

Another dungeon, not dank or cold. Emma and Illyana still standing side by side. Emma is tightly hugging herself in the remembered pain and terror, as well as remembered delight of doing harm.

 

Illyana looks about the dungeon _"I hate myself, I really do sometimes. I hate losing control, losing it. I want to be good, but sometimes it doesn't work out that way. Again I'm sorry for you Mrs. Frost, but this is bad; really really bad. And this time it was all just_ **me** ".

 

I've sent the New Mutants back to Asgard

Then I visit my guest

Mistake

I should have kept Dani or Karma around

All of me is filled with rage, hate, lust for revenge

Delayed reaction from the trauma leaves me trembling

 

She mistakes it for fear

She taunts me

Calls me weak

Threatens to kill me and mine when She is free

Threatens to do it **_all_** over again

She is wicked and evil

I lose control

I bind Her to Her version wall

I show Her what evil is

I teach Her the depths of my displeasure

 

She threatens for a little while

She begs for some small amount of time

She screams for a long long time

Until I tire of the noise and cut out those parts of Her that can scream

Then I keep cutting

Godlings are hard to kill, but only my magics keeps Her alive

Keeps Her conscious all the while

It does not keep Her sane

 

After a long time I finally stop, only to find myself drenched in blood

Her blood

Her eviscerated body still lives

If you can call what little remains a body

Her eye, for one is missing, is filled with madness

S'ym gloats in the corner (Didn't think you had it in you boss babe)

 

I look upon my work in horror

I enclose Her in a magical cocoon to heal Her

I wipe Her mind

I bind the horror within Her mind to forever prevent Her from seeking me or mine out

I send S'ym away

And then I vomit

I sit in filth and cry and cry and cry

But the tears wash nothing away

Cry for what I've done

Cry because I enjoyed it so

Cry because I want to do it again and again

Cry because I'm so afraid this is the real me

 

The location changes to the pool at the Xavier school. Emma is on her knees retching, gagging at the horror, gagging at what she had just enjoyed doing. Aghast at just what true evil was. Terrified as just what Illyana could be.

 

Illyana is sitting and quietly crying _"The new mutants never really did figure out why I was so distant for a while; they thought it was the Enchantress's spells. Although I think Karma had some suspicions"._

Illyana glanced around their location, _"Shards, not that again. False freedom is worse then no_ **freedom** _"._

 

Salvation

Escape from damnation

Freedom

I am the me that might have been

Should have been

AM!

 

All I have to do is let my best friend suffer

Be soul raped

Die

What's one more lost friend?

Lost for the greater good

 

But I can't do it

This salvation is a lie

Either choice leaves me damned

It was so nice to feel good

It was so nice to be good

It's no real choice at all, either way I lose

I choose the path of friendship

Of Love

And with one word I bind my fate

**KITTY!**

 

Damnation regained, salvation lost

My inner self is revealed to all my friends

I act

The day is saved, except for me, that is lost

I hold Kitty in my arms

Pray for the first time in I don't know when

Pray that she is ok

Pray she does not hate me

Pray I have not killed yet another friend

 

Now it is a dark night. The stars are out and the air is cold. There is a terrible presence felt. Illyana is now dressed in a sweater and shorts. Emma and Illyana are standing side by side. Illyana turns to Emma and whispers _"Time to say goodbye, time to_ **sacrifice** _"._

 

Not my friends

No not that again

Take me, not them

Let for once others live

I burn as I should

But the fire does not cleanse

 

Failure

All for not

They perish, my sacrifice is in vain

We are ERASED

Gone

Never to have been

Oblivion

 

But then brought back as meat puppets for HIM by HIM to serve HIM

Purpose

Hate

Love

Servitude

But no death

Again I dance to another's purpose

Again I'm robbed of choices

Again I am just me, how I hate her

Dancing and loving it

Dancing and hating it

Dance unending

Burning unending

Burning...

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well at the end. Rather a nice story or so I think. Really really want feedback from folks (yes that means you), good or bad.

**Part 6: What do you fear?**

 

 Gray.

 

That was all she saw, all she thought for quite some time.

 

 

Eyes blinking from time to time, staring but unseeing.

 

No thoughts at all. Just a slow breathing and occasional blinking.

 

Awareness crept back in after a long time.

 

Emma started to wonder if it was going to rain. The sky was a dark gray with different tones and textures. She had never seen the sky quite like this before.

 

She shifted slightly and enjoyed the soft comfy embrace of a really good bed and set of silk sheets.

 

The thought idly crossed her mind, _"I wonder why I moved a bed outside"?_ In the bottom corner of her eyes she could see some dark streaky clouds moving in. Really dark, inky or like burnt streaks on a ceiling.

 

 _"Ceiling"?_ Suddenly her perspective shifted as she realized it was a ceiling she was staring at.

 

A puzzled expression crossed Emma's face as she struggled to recall where she was. Suddenly her eyes widened and she remembered. Remembered it all.

 

With a start Emma sat upright in the bed, a suppressed scream on her lips. She was in Illyana's bedroom. This was Illyana's bed. And the ceiling now looked like the soot stained remains of a rather nasty bonfire.

 

Emma cast a quick panicky glance at where she had been bound to wall. There was now a disturbingly pentagram shaped hole melted into the floor and the ceiling above the hole looked cracked and scorched.

 

Emma used her telepathic scenes to scan for other mind forms, she could sense various minor servant demons going about their business but did not sense the presence of Illyana.Emma flopped back onto the bed and suppressed a hysterical laugh (she was quite terrified of not being able to stop laughing if she started) .

 

_"And I thought the other's therapy had been hard"._

 

 _"Now what"_ she thought as she rubbed her forehead with her left hand. _"Just how long have I been out and where is Illyana"?_

A slight cough off to her left completely surprised her (she could sense no mind). Emma found her self madly scrambling off the right hand side of the bed. Which gracelessly ended with her entangled in the sheets and falling off the bed onto the floor. Emma kicked herself free of the sheets and while still and the ground franticly crawled away.

 

Emma turned to face the bed and cautiously raised her head up to see over the bed. Illyana's head slowly came into view. Apparently Illyana was sitting in a chair not far from the left hand side of the bed but not visible to somebody lying on the bed. She was dressed in a simple light blue gown with simple slippers.

 

Illyana's concerned look and statement _"It's ok Mrs. Frost. It's over"_ were at complete odds with Emma's very fresh recollections of Illyana.

 

Emma found herself on her feet back pressed against a wall as she tried to snarl _"Stay away from me"!_ All that came out was a dry throat gasp and slurred words.

 

Illyana slowly stood up and backed away a few steps, _"Please Mrs. Frost, take it easy. Have some water, there's a glass on the table beside you"._ Illyana indicated to Emma's left.

Emma glanced to her left and yes indeed there was a clear glass of water, right where she could have sworn was an empty table but moments ago. What to do? What to do Emma franticly thought. Attack? Ha! Like that would help. Run? And just where would that lead? Have hysterics? Tempting but likely not productive. Damn my throat is dry, might was well have a drink.

 

Emma gingerly pick the glass and brought it to her lips. She hesitated before drinking for a moment but then decided that Illyana had easier ways to kill her if that was what she wanted.

 

Illyana nodded approvingly. _"Ok, is that better"?_

_"Yes"_ Emma croaked. _"How long was I out"._

_"About a week, you were rather... well not yourself for the first few days, but the last few you've just laid there and stared at the ceiling. Only in the last hour or so did you start moving about again. I can honestly say for the first time ever that I'm glad to have the you in you back. Don't worry about the time lapse, I think I can port us back to just after we left your office"._

Emma finished the glass of water and immediately wished for something stronger, much stronger. _"I've had people killed for doing less child"._

Illyana replied back with a sigh _"I'm sure you have, that's in part the difference between you and I. You tend to have people killed for you while I tend to just kill people"._ Illyana went over and brought the chair over to the opposite side of the room from Emma and sat back down.

 

_"Thank you Mrs. Fro... well Emma. You helped me when I was lost within myself. I'm grateful"._

 

Emma noticed a chair to her right hand side (again she could have sworn no chair was there but moments ago) Wearily she sat down with some relief.  

 

Emma give a sigh herself, _"Don't thank me quite yet child. You're likely going to be having issues. What you did to yourself is not rectified in a day. I fear you will be having mood swings, bouts of rage, memory flashbacks and likely irrational behaviors. Ha, as I suspect I will be doing as well"._

_"Yea, not one of my better ideas"._

Emma waved her glass about," _Is there a refill for this"?_

Illyana gestured with her right indicating the table that had held the glass. Now there was a chilled decanter of cucumber water, just like the one in Emma's favorite spa.

 

Emma refilled her glass and drank greedily. _"Handy trick that"_ she mentioned after the third glass.

 

Emma gestured with the glass, " _We both look to be in remarkable health considering the rather melted hole over there and your prior condition"._

Illyana gave a small tired smirk. _"My magics protected you and I'm... well let's just say I can be rather hard to actually kill"._

Emma took another sip before speaking again, _"You hide it quite well you know. Nobody would ever guess that was your greatest fear"._

Illyana's face took on a guarded look, _"What do you mean"?_

 

Emma started rubbing the cold half full glass against her forehead, she could feel a devil of a migraine coming on. _"Your greatest fear. It was part and parcel to the memories you did not want to reintegrate with. And don't try to give me any malarkey of fearing yourself or some other such nonsense. That fear is there, Gods how that fear is there. But not the biggest. It will help in the integration and healing if you acknowledge it at least just once. Might as well be now, after all I already know it"._

Emma was startled to find tears coursing down her face, _"That and so many other things, things I'm having my own problems dealing with"._

Illyana turned her head to the side briefly, eyes closed with a grimace of pain. _"It's nicer to pretend I fear myself the most, easier to hide from... them. From what might happen. From what has happened before._

Emma closed her eyes, the migraine was fast approaching. _"Know thy self child. There is strength in the knowing"._

Illyana stared at Emma for a long time. Finally a whisper.

_"It's my friends, my loved ones. Kitty and Piotr. I fear for them. Somebody else always pays the price. They suffer, they die, it's always my fault, and mostly they die by my own hand. I hate it. I hate it so much. It makes me so afraid"._

Emma murmured around the pain in her head. _"I'm not going to remember this am I"?_

Illyana replied with a sad laugh, _"No, and in that I envy you"._

Emma whispered back, _"Good"._

 

**Part 7: Ruminations**

 

 

Emma leaned back in her office chair and mused, " _It's just to clean, we go to limbo and have a therapy session and all is well? Something's off_ ".

 

Emma found herself rubbing the palm of her right hand with her left hand's thumb, she stopped rubbing her palm and stared at it. There was a faint scar, the kind you get after a scab falls off, but the flesh is still a bit red, as the healing is not quite done.

 

 _"Eh, when did I scratch myself"?_ She turned over her palm and found a matching scar on the top side of her hand.She moved her hand back and forth and determined that the scars lined up.

 

Emma went cold, _"But that would mean something went though the hand, I think I'd remember that happening. It's almost fully healed but such a wound would have taken months to heal, it would have cut though several finger bones"._

Emma closed her eyes and tried to recall what had just happened. She could recollect nothing out of the ordinary except the continuing feeling of unease. While she tried to remember any additional details she found her left hand absentmindedly tapping on the keyboard.

 

She looked up and noticed the characters on the screen that had been typed in Illyana's dossier. In a panic she pushed herself away from the keyboard while springing to her feet. Breathing heavily she examined the room visually and telepathically, _"There's nobody here but me_ ". Her eyes went back to the last entry in the file, the absent minded tapping had written actual words.

 

Emma, it's Emma, I'm concentrating on just this thought and hoping I can remember it long enough to recollect it later. Don't every try to use her friends or family to compel her. There are easier, and cleaner, ways to commit suicide.

 


End file.
